how not to commit genocide at work
a guide
Ever have those days where all you want to do is punch the your boss in the face every time they open their mouth to say something?
Or shove your foot right up the ass of that that one really fucking annoying ‘colleague’ who initiates small talk that exactly 0 people asked for?
Or wish COVID could make a brief comeback to, you know, wipe out every motherfucking office chimp you have to flash a fake work smile to, or ask the obligatory ‘how was your weekend?’ or ‘any weekend plans?’ every Monday and Friday respectively?
I hear you. Here’s some testaments for you to abide by, pray to, memorize, inhale, devour, snort, or however you’re consuming this.
These are in no particular order, and I have no idea how many there will be.
This is my first and only draft.
Good luck.
1.Thou Shalt Not Kill
Duh.
2.Thou Shalt Not React
This is an art form in and of itself.
Not to be confused with ‘thou shalt not feel’. Nah man we’re all human, and we’re hardwired to react to any and all information our 5 senses observe.
Whether it’s a pissed off coworker, or an irate boss, or a generally high pressure, high stress atmosphere you work in, staying calm on the surface achieves two objectives.
For one, it’s off putting for those who retain your same corporate ranking when they can visibly see that you seem unbothered:
“How the fuck are they so calm?”
“How can this guy/gal be so unreactive?”
”Are they pissed off, or maybe they’re planning on quitting anyway? What’s happening here?”
The drawback of this is that you inevitably draw attention from the other monkeys in the jungle who, unbeknown to them, want to test you.
Perhaps it’s a playful jab or an off comment about your demeanor.
And these interactions will test you, make your blood boil perhaps, or give you such vividly violent thoughts that Pol Pot would shit himself in his grave.
Pay no attention. The internal turbulence will exist, but true strength of character will be you choosing not to act on it.
The second objective this achieves is that it effectively serves as a silent ‘fuck off’ to your overlords.
When their outbursts or back handed words come at you, respond calmly. It can be as simple as a:
“Mhm”
”Yep”
”Ok”
”Understood”
Cadence is important here. Better to sound slightly disinterested than slightly irritated.
Legally, they have no basis to question your tonality. You’ve done nothing wrong but respond in a manner that confuses them slightly.
The more neutral, the better.
In fact, if you manage to flip the scenario on its head and respond with slight enthusiasm, it might even disarm them completely.
This will come at the expense of other monkeys and their perception of you; suddenly you might be an ass kisser.
You’re not. You’re actively staying sane.
3.Thou Shalt Not Participate In Politics
Big no, no.
There is far too much baggage here to even begin to write something comprehensive.
Who’s performing and who’s not is not your concern.
Who’s got beef with who on which project is not your concern.
Who the boss is looking to promote, demote, or fire is not your concern.
These are beyond the scope of your controllable abilities.
And therefore none of your concern. Your own performance, that you should assess objectively as possible, is the only path to staying sane.
4.Thou Shalt Not Obsess Over Performance
Perform at your best for as long as possible. Only you know what that objectively means.
However, do not get attached to working hard.
You are to optimize for performance in short bursts, and immediately stop once a predetermined time has been reached.
This is called efficiency.
You start work, you end work.
You do what is required. The rest is extra. What is not covered in your contract is not something to be worked on.
Not to be confused with quiet quitting. No, there is flexibility here for you to go above and beyond when you feel it is necessary.
It is imperative to clarify that there is nothing wrong with pushing yourself. It is simply important to acknowledge when it is also time to rest.
Breaching this step will create a spiral of apprehension, as inevitably working ‘harder’ will not yield the results you want. It almost always leads to more work landing on your plate.
Work you didn’t ask for, nor are enthusiastic to work on.
Secondarily, and mostly subconsciously, you will attach a certain amount of emotional toil into your work, because it will inevitably be tough to exert more energy than you have available.
This feeds the ego, wraps around emotion, and warps expectations about status, compensation, and ‘prestige’ among your monkey coworkers.
This is not the goal.
The goal is to stay sane. Disappointment is bound to occur if ego presents itself, and corporate genocide becomes a hop, skip, and a jump away from that.
Tread carefully. Do what you can, with honest effort, and bravely clock out as contractually obligated.
If you are tacitly expected to do more work than you believe is necessary, switch jobs. The company will wear you down.
5.Thou Shalt Treat Coworker Disputes As Customer Service Training
Or perhaps as patience training.
Here is an email I received this past week:
An angry chimp called my boss earlier this week.
But before that, he called me.
Demanding an explanation for why I had trespassed and called a client he had reached out to.
He was in no way negotiating a deal of any sort. The database creates an ‘exclusivity’ claim if there is any sort of engagement.
In my own haste to try and sell a particularly high yielding deal, I had also reached out by email to the client of his, not realizing he was speaking to them first.
And this was the third time.
So this monkey, a bald Bulgarian middle aged man of no importance, living somewhere in the US, went on a tirade.
In these situations, full patience and customer service was required. I did not engage, I simply tried to explain myself calmly.
Unfortunately, some office chimps seek only capitulation an apologies. I broached some form of ‘won’t happen again’ tone, before he hung up.
He would then call my 23 year old boss, who has had his own run-ins with this middle aged monkey, and pretended that he had already lambasted me.
He hadn’t. I’m the only work horse on his team of 5 who’s closing deals somewhat consistently.
The Balkan Bulgarian Homo Erectus would call me again not 20 minutes later, in a mood that to me suggested his red hot bald head had cooled off.
Sensing this, I switched from customer service mode to lax mode, explaining that I’d already been chastised by the other older monkeys in the other offices for breaching their exclusivity.
It was partially true, but none of them had called me like he had.
He laughed at that, and off he fucked back to work.
And I moved on with my life.
When in a highly emotional situation, best to use customer service and somewhat apologetic approaches. You cannot trust that your coworker monkey knows how emotionally turbulent they are being.
Then once they calm down, switch to humor to kill their heightened sense of entitlement.
Better that then to delete their presence entirely.
6.Thou Shalt Deploy Silence And Absence When Needed
Silence in the face of disrespect is a weapon. Despite being ‘adults’, you will no doubt come across Homines Erecti who will cross your red lines.
Insult you, perhaps not directly.
Chastize you.
And many other ways that will test the patience of even the mightiest of Buddha monks.
When all fail safes have snapped, the fallback is silence.
Boss has finished yelling at you? Go quiet. Continue to work, but next time they approach you, take just a millisecond longer to respond.
Say more with less.
They are not contractually owed conversation with you, so you may use neutral silence.
It will be difficult for them to justify any punishment for this. Legally, the claim that “I was given the cold shoulder” will fall flat on its face as a petty reaction from a petty monkey boss.
This will reinforce the boundaries you build between you and murdering a floor of suited up drones.
It will keep you sane.
Reduce availability momentarily.
Phone off after work.
Teams status, unavailable.
Phone rings. Let it ring.
Email comes in. Don’t respond.
It’s not punishment. It’s a feedback mechanism that will train the behavior of the monkeys who dare throw their feces at you.
And given you are practicing this in their best interests, as they are human after all and probably deserve to live despite their annoying existence, they will never know how grateful they should be.
7.Thou Must Hydrate And Be Well Nourished
Non-negotiable. Hanger and dehydration will impact your ability to remain non-genocidal.
Dehydration can cause mild fatigue or headaches.
Hunger can cause irritation and lack of focus.
Between the two choices, eating too much is preferred to eating too little.
So the next time you are contemplating the swift demise of a choice few colleagues, ask yourself:
“What time was my last meal?”
9.Thou Must Tread Carefully With Caffeine
There are many benefits to drinking history’s second favorite black liquid (oil is history’s first favorite).
That being said, like most things, too much of anything has repercussions.
Excess coffee or energy drinks included.
Baseline anxiety is exacerbated when too much caffeine enters the system. It also makes it difficult to maintain quality sleep.
It varies per person, of course. There are people who can drink espresso before bed and wake up a new human being.
Too much caffeine may provide the dopamine required to maintain high energy levels, but the associated jitters and eventual comedown are the cost.
And caffeine’s half line can very between 3 to 7 hours.
Trace amounts of it in your blood during bed time, much like alcohol, will impede one’s ability to rest the skull muscle in time for the next working day at the circus.
And that will reduce one’s will to not commit mass murder over a long enough time horizon.
10.Thou Must Sleep 7-8 Hours
Duh.
11.Thou Shalt Remember: Monkeys Have Feelings Too
The final testament: Pity thy neighbour.
The zoo you work at, the jungle you make money in.
The chimps, gorillas, and baboons of your ‘office’. These Homines Erecti also contain, within each of them, emotions.
As murderable as each of them are, they do not behave this way on purpose.
Each ape hails from a different lineage, family, and domestic conditions.
They have walked a different path.
But dissimilar to you, they have subconsciously allowed work to impact them in ways you can see clear as day.
The advanced monkey you are is clever. Clever enough to realize mass homicide makes no sense, and sufficiently shrewd in mapping our your very own survival mechanism.
And survival means sanity.
Sanity means preserving your advanced monkey skull muscle.
Preserving your skull muscle means weathering the daily storm of this concrete jungle.
To do so requires mental fortitude and emotional willpower.
The willpower to resist the temptation to curate Homosapien Holocaust.
This, my hairy friend, is true enlightenment.
To bear the brunt of the bullshit, with an open mind.
After all, it’s all just business. Nothing personal.
And even if it feels personal, the subtleties in your behavior change will surely make the other apes think twice the next time about their approach to you.
Anyway goodnight.
Affiliate links
Scheduling Notes: WriteStack
Prospecting clients: Apollo.io